The missus and I came home after a trip to Wickes, and the kitchen fitters had slung the extractor fan out with the cooker. I lept out of the car to retrieve it quickly, and a guy in a van on the main road shouted: "I'm fooking having that!" I replied, "No, you're fooking not!" and took it in the house.

The next thing I know, the bloke had walked up my drive, through my side gate, appeared at my kitchen back door, and said to the kitchen fitter, "Your mates just took my metal." I went out and said, "It's my metal mate, and this is my house, so fook off!"

Cheeky caaant then says, "Are you ripping out the boiler?" Mate, fuck off!

Thank The Pond Gods, I've booked the next five days off!